The Great Collapso

New Home

2010-03-15T06:29:00.000-07:00

This blog has moved. You can find it at http://greatcollapso.wordpress.com!

The next stop is Fury- where this train terminates.

2009-12-31T07:40:00.001-08:00

Dearest readers, "At least the Fascists got the trains to run on time" is not a point I will be trying to argue in this blog as I've discovered a far more terrifying truth behind Scottish public transport. The Fascists are running the trains!

Anyone who uses the train for long journeys on a regular basis might already know this but I'm a veritable newcomer to long-distance rail travel.

Let's start with the price. I got a return ticket from Glasgow to Aberdeen for a grand total of £50 (little realising the bus is half that). Fair enough though, it's a long journey and the train's far more comfortable and a wee man cuts about with a cart desperately vying for your attention over the screams of revelling idiots (it's Hogmanay though, I'll let that one slide). Definitely worth another £25.

Another supposed benefit is the ability to reserve seats with criteria such as 'power sockets', 'aisle/window seats', 'access to table', 'quiet carriage' etc. Now aside from the fact that there isn't a quiet carriage on this train (if this is one then you may as well tear out my eardrums now) there is a grand total of bugger aw' power sockets to go with it.

I booked my tickets around Christmas Eve. Plenty of time to get the seat I wanted (aisle, table, socket, quiet thanks) and still realising I might not get all of these things I was very surprised to sit down in a chair with none of these requirements fulfilled. Quick headcount- there's ten people in this carriage, tops and here I am sitting in A13. No table, no aisle.

I wonder how seat assignments are made on these trains. I can only assume it's by some 'wank, wank, good guy' basis in which I seem to be the biggest wank of all. I wonder if Ticketwat CX slapped anyone else on this train with the polar opposite of what they wanted.

The whole fascism thing comes into play when you perform a cunning bit of observation on the windows of the train. "THANK YOU FOR KEEPING YOUR FEET OFF OUR SEATS." You're welcome but it's hardly like I had the opportunity to do otherwise. It's not as if I see trains as being 'of the people' but surely the less possessiclve "the" would have sufficed.

However, there's more! There's tags on the seats to say they're reserved. Unauthorised removal of these results in a fine of £200 while unauthorised occupation of THEIR seat can result in a fine of £50. With most of the seats in this carriage being reserved it must be difficult to get a seat. Please note: to see the fines you must first remove the ticket thus making you liable to said fine. I received no authorisation to remove mine but I'm a maverick- deal with it.

So in short then. Use Scotrail! Experience unfriendly service from festively greasy gnomes, pay the GNP of Sri Lanka for a sandwich, pay wildly over the odds for a seat that's the opposite of what you wanted and don't, whatever you do, touch anything you ignorant prole!

In other words- take the bus.

OMD - Dazzle Ships

2009-12-26T09:14:00.000-08:00

This is an article about an album which really says something a bit different to me. I couldn't include it in my list of the Top 5 albums of 00s' because, well, it was released in 1983. This is an album by a group who I consider to be the Godfathers of modern electronic pop, despite the fact that I'm certain you'll disagree.

This, Ladies & Gentlemen, is Dazzle Ships.

I'm currently staying at my Mum's over the festive period and one of my favourite things about coming back to Ayr (aside from family, free food and actually having central heating as opposed to living like a Siberian tiger-trapper) is having a vinyl player and my Mum's (now mine, ha!) OMD records. I must admit that like most people I've tried to introduce this album to, when I first heard it I didn't really get it.

I should point out that Dazzle Ships, unlike it's illustrious and well known predecessor 'Architecture & Morality', is more of a conceptual album. Its conventional pop songs are the even numbered tracks and the others are more experimental, using adaptations from shortwave radio to explore themes of isolation, violence and exploitation in Eastern Bloc countries. Thoroughly charming, summer's day stuff I'm sure you'll agree.

Let's talk about the album art first though. Say what you like about not judging an album by its cover- this is one where you think "Aye, let's crack you open and have a butchers at your synthy innards." It's actually inspired by this painting by Edward Wadsworth called "Dazzle Ships in dry-dock at Liverpool" (say what you see):

Without going into needless, pointless detail the dazzle camouflage (used to confuse submarines- but not in the Pokemon way) formed a lovely package for Cold War uncertainty in an album which contains Czech transmissions, Tribune reports and speaking clocks in a variety of languages.

One of the integral songs on the album in fact is this one called "Dazzle Ships Pts II, III & VII" is one of the pivotal songs on the album and opens all their live shows (at least recently).

The light show makes it something truly special I assure you, the first time I saw this done (I'm somewhere below the character that took this video), I was flabberghasted that this was happening until my Mum informed me this was actually a song on Dazzle Ships. I thought to myself "Christ, I've got to hear that." Admittedly beginning more as a rejected sound effect from Jeff Wayne's 'War of the Worlds' the steady build of sirens, klaxons and some properly Scooby Doo 'mystery' music create an amazing air of suspense.

This comes directly in the wake of one of the more conventional pop songs 'International' which begins with a section of an address by"a young girl from Nicaragua whose hands had been cut off at the wrists." Which is interspersed with a sweeping, almost ethereal waltz which brings to mind the images of the shocking abuse of children which we've seen over the years. OMD, you evocative Scousers, you.

As if this wasn't enough, "Dazzle Ships Pts II, III & VII" is followed by a song called "The Romance of the Telescope" which is one of the most haunting, electronic pop songs of a generation and is just as evocative as their other classic 'haunter' (an adjective I've just coined) "Maid of Orleans" despite being relatively short on vocals.

"See these arms that were broken, how they held you so.
Never once did they fail you, they won't let you go.

We're just waiting looking skyward as the days come down.
Someone promised there'd be answers, if we stayed around.

Over decades, now this romance has sustained us all.
Never questioned, only giving what it made us for."

In case you were curious.

In short, if you have any interest in the good side of 80s' music, a time which is so often dragged through a pile of horse manure by so-called musos who have no time for any form of fun then snap out of it and get your head into this album. Sure, there may not be a Cold War on now but there's still exploitation in the world, there's still child soldiers fighting for their very survival and there's still countries, groups and governments (even our own) who pose a threat to the open, caring and peaceful life that we should all be living. Happily co-existing with rainbows, dancing badgers and the promise of a genuine dancing leprechaun in every Irish theme pub. Even the shit ones.

Snow: Silent But Violent

2009-12-23T05:43:00.001-08:00

It's amazing what a bit of snow can do for your Christmas spirit. Snow has the power to uplift even the saddest soul as we hurtle through streets, manically trying to grab those last minute trinkets and shiny things to impress loved ones (after all, isn't that what Christmas is all about?) the first flurry of snow can even be greeted with upward cheers as the first flake touches noses and hearts. "Hurrah! God deems us worthy of frozen particles of water!"

Snow is often kept apart from its chilly neighbours. Frost, hail, freezing rain, sleet and my personal favourite (if one were necessary)- freezing fog which are all seen as irritating and often dangerous as we don our winter woolens and crack on regardless.

Snow however is our beautiful, comforting, flaky friend. Like an afternoon in the company of a favourite aunt or at the very least a non-threatening Tory peer whose last consequential thought was in 1978. Like said Peer who, for the sake of this argument, is a massive racist; snow has its dark side too.

Its powdery covering often conceals something more bitter. Stones are one of my specific bug-bears as I have a nasty habit of 'decking it' in winter weather. The humble stone becomes a concealed weapon on an FBI agent, the claws of a vicious cat and a tank covered in camouflage nets. Things which look quite good but are hellbent on inflicting massive physical injury upon you.

It's not just stones, of course. There's black ice- the scourge of drivers who don't like being thrown headfirst into a hedgerow, puddles which have frozen over with the sole intention of having you end up on your arse, the humble dog turd is transformed from a brown sludge into a Baked Alaska of potential embarassment. Even entire council estates can be obscured while packs of whitened NEDs wait quietly underneath, disguised as snowmen with bucky bottles for noses. Slight exaggeration of course but you get the jist.

Snows potential to create joy in children (and adults) having snowball fights and building snowmen gives a satisfaction that one doesn't get from a bag of gravel but once the snow is trampled it becomes a nightmare to walk around on, cars become stuck (either to obstacles such as trees, traffic islands and people) or they just stick in the snow as people on the pavements beside them slide past in tobogans.

Snow has the power to charge people with Christmas spirit so why does it insist on messing with travel? People who are excited by heavy snowfall clearly have nowhere to be and can get on with making the mulled wine for those of us who are stuck, helpless, in stations and airports up and down the country. Cursing not the transport authorities and train companies but their old elusive friend, snow.

Top 5 Lists Will Be The Death of Blogging

2009-12-20T10:42:00.000-08:00

So here's another one!

I love High Fidelity and therefore I feel the need to condense this blog which could be huge into a list of five albums that I love from 'the noughties'.

So what are my favourite albums? I bet that's a question you've never asked yourself. If you listen to my radio show then you might think that it's going to be electro/house stuff but no! It's good to dance to, sure and a knowledge of electronic music lets you be an utter twat to others with a differing opinion without ever really having to reason out why you hate everything else.

My top 5 favourite albums of this decade are actually more subdued, in all honesty. Why should you care? You shouldn't but you might like what I'm peddling here so let's have a look, shall we? Any links are youtube links so you can hear the songs while you read. Am I not lovely?

Soulwax - Any Minute Now

This album from Belgian masters is the perfect blend of rock sensibilities and electro ideals (twattiest sentence in a blog award). Apart from the fact that the cover art will induce a headache in even the most stubborn of optic nerves, the songs are both anthemic and danceable which is always a nice combination. Don't believe me? Try E-Talking on for size. See what I mean? This offering proves that not only are they royalty when it comes to remixing, they've got something lethal to offer as recording artists. Not to mention their exceptional live shows where you get two for the price of one. 2manyDJs and Soulwax. Nice.

Year: 2004
Favourite Track: Compute

At The Drive-In - Relationship of Command

I've been listening to At The Drive-In all day. The band from El Paso that became both Sparta & The Mars Volta left us with this masterpiece before they went their seperate ways. The opening 30 seconds of the album tells you that this is going to be something that is memorable as it is intense and the very second the drums peter out and the guitar trips over itself you know you're listening to a band at the very top of their game.

I'd imagine most of us remember this album best for One Armed Scissor, the story of a forgotten space flight but there are other tracks which call out "OH CHRIST YES!" every time they come round on shuffle. I promise you that I have never had a track from this CD come on and have skipped it- I'm always excited to hear it.

Year: 2000
Favourite Track: Enfilade (the 'kidnapper' at the beginning is Iggy Pop)

Radiohead - Amnesiac

The band that need no introduction but perhaps an album that does. Amnesiac was released in 2001 as the direct follow-up to possibly the most over-rated Radiohead album out. Yes, Kid A has Idioteque on it but I swear that Amnesiac is a far superior album.

I love the almost subversive impact of the first track Packt Like Sardines in a Crushd Tin Box with its intro that sounds like a synthesised organ grinder transitioning beautifully into Pyramid Song (which was on a Now! album, if I remember. You wouldn't see that now.). The whole album blends together this mixture of typically Radiohead songs such as Knives Out (which has an exceptional video) with the distinctly more experimental like Pulk/Pull Revolving Doors.

Year: 2001
Favourite Song: Life in a Glasshouse

Idlewild - The Remote Part

This is, of course, one of my favourite albums of the decade. I don't care what anyone says. I absolutely love Idlewild and would probably consider it if one of them asked me to go home with them. I'd end up saying no, but hell. It'd be a great story. The Remote Part is an exceptional album that really offers you a little bit of everything from proper rock n' roll in A Modern Way of Letting Go to touching tracks like American English.

The album is Idlewild's most critically acclaimed and comes a long way from their previous release '100 Broken Windows' which was filled with more angsty, raw tunes. This progression paved the way for 'Warnings/Promises' and their subsequent albums which have a mature, more Scottish sound. I think. That bit was really boring to read, wasn't it?

Year: 2002
Favourite Track: In Remote Part/Scottish Fiction

Malcolm Middleton - A Brighter Beat

I'd be remiss in my duties as some twat from Twitter (see what I did there?) if I didn't make mention of one of my favourite songwriters. Formerly one half of Arab Strap, Malcolm Middleton smashed into the national consciousness at Christmas 2007 when certain radio DJs started a campaign (similar to the Rage Against the Machine one only less successful) to get his song "We're All Going To Die" to Christmas number one. Now, when I tell you that We're All Going to Die is the worst song on that album then it should give you some inkling as to how good this album is.

I love this album because it captures something that comes with living in Scotland and being a little bit misanthropic. It's both heartbreaking and life-affirming in places. Songs build you up to thinking this might finally be when Malcolm comes good in life and then bang! you're smacked back to lonely but familiar territory. Beautiful stuff.

Year: 2007
Favourite Song: Fuck It, I Love You

I hope this list doesn't feel like 5 minutes of your life you'll never get back but in the spirit of posting opinionated nonsense on the internet, I thought it was important that you saw it.

SEAN HAS DIED

2009-12-20T08:35:00.001-08:00

I'm currently sitting staring at a blackened screen with a mixture of irritation and bemusement. For about the 932nd time since buying The Saboteur I've fallen to my death by doing something the game assures me is quite a simple manoeuvre. More on that later.

For those of you not 'in the know' on games I'd urge you to keep reading. It's really a thinly veiled social commentary and by that I mean... y'know... it's not.

The Saboteur is the latest open-world romp from those cheeky tykes at Pandemic Studios, the people who brought you Mercenaries & Destroy All Humans! and also EA Games the people who brought you pretty much every game in the last 5 years.

In The Saboteur you play an Irish racing-driver called Sean whose world is turned upside down when he takes on those pesky Nazis at their own game. Their own game in this case, being motorsport. As is the norm in these games, everything goes a bit tits-up and Sean is left with next to nothing as he sees his best friend murdered and his home destroyed.

He joins up with the French resistance in order to avenge his past life and the carnage ensues. I've played this game long enough to form a solid opinion on it now and even score it out of ten because that's what gaming-types do.

However, I'm going to do mine like tourist information. I'm like that.

See The Sights...

Nazi-occupied Paris is well represented in the game and over time you unlock the ability to get up close and personal with some of the French capital's most famous landmarks as Sean throws himself up the side of them in a desperate attempt to evade the steady stream of fascists who crop up round every corner. You can even get out of the city if it’s all getting a bit too much for you and go for a jaunt round the countryside, visiting other towns and taking the opportunity to end artillery guns, sniper nests, tanks and any other bastions of fascist rule you happen to come across. As sights go, there’s not a lot of variety though. Aside from the obvious Eiffel Tower, Bastille, Arc de Triomphe etc. there’s not a lot to distinguish between and much of the rendering is really quite poor and you’ll find yourself throwing yourself from the same buildings time and time again as you try desperately to grab an ungrabbable wire.

Feel the Ambiance...

One of The Saboteur’s main selling points is the oppressive, film noir landscape that it creates in the occupied areas of the city. In fact if you were to take a very old joke and ask “What’s black and white and red all over?” it would be Paris as the red of the Nazi flag is the only thing which is not monochromatic. While this serves to add to the drama of the situation, you’ll soon find yourself getting sick of being chased down by thirty soldiers who you can only hit convincingly on the upper-arm. Of course, once you complete certain missions in the game you ‘liberate’ areas and the colour returns and all the citizens of Paris rejoice and call your name. Urgh.

There are other little touches which give you the sense of Nazi occupation. People are randomly harassed by soldiers in the street and you can gain bonus points by saving them which is a nice idea but the drama is often detracted from by Sean clumsily laying into a crowd with machine gun fire.

View from the Top...

You’ll notice pretty quickly that The Saboteur is, in some ways, very much a straight corruption of the Assassin’s Creed formula with the ability to climb any building and use the cover of the rooftops to your advantage. The only problem however, is that when you’re on the rooftops, you’re pretty much completely safe from all fire and you can pick your targets relatively easily. Even the soldiers stationed on rooftops will not chase you as they will in Assassin’s Creed which tears some of the drama from the set-pieces.

Meet the People...

Here’s where it all goes to shit for The Saboteur, quite frankly. Not only do most of the faceless, nameless Nazis look exactly the same; the characters who inhabit Paris couldn’t be more 2D if they were cardboard cut-outs of Orlando Bloom. At least in GTA, you would get abused and ridiculed for a poor display of driving as opposed to the “oh-haw-hawww” and other stereotypically French responses “Aw! Monsieur!”. All that is forgivable if it weren’t for the fact that Germans speak German in non-mission situations but when you’re over-hearing a conversation as you sneak up to perform a stealth-kill in a mission suddenly they’ve all got the diction of Stephen Fry.

As for main characters, aside from not being fleshed out in the slightest (one’s an EVIL NAZI! Who’d have thought it?), the voice acting is just diabolical. The main character, Sean, is possibly the worst. 90% of the time I would not believe he’s even Irish. It’s full of poorly written little ditties which wouldn’t sound out of place in Ballykissangel- with machine guns. It’s a truly unforgivable oversight in a game where the counterpoint of nationalities and cultures is so important.

Let’s Talk Scores...

If you’re looking for a game where you can kill Nazis on your own terms then maybe this is for you but for around the same price you can pick up GTA: IV pre-owned and get a sizeable chunk of Assassin’s Creed II as well. The voice-acting, dodgy graphic glitches and thoroughly infuriating control system (you’ll blow yourself up a few times as you get the hang of it) really count against this game but as much as I want to set the disc on fire once you’re in it’s thoroughly addictive and there’s nothing quite as satisfying as shooting down a zeppelin. Although don’t watch for the burning, twisted wreckage landing anywhere. You’ll only be disappointed.

"Was it something I said?!"
"It's not what you say, but how you say it, Monsieur Irishman."

4/10 – Diverting enough to be worth playing, but I’d wait until you can get it pre-owned for £15.

Bad Time To Be A Health & Safety Manager

2009-12-01T05:21:00.000-08:00

In case you didn't know, I'm dangerously close to being a Risk Manager; with honours no less. There's a few focuses you can take in my course- you can either go down the financial route which involves being able to count above five (something I'm incapable of) or you can dance merrily along the Health & Safety road. Guess which one I chose?

This post labours (haha!) under the idea that the Conservatives will likely win the next election and today's policy announcement aimed at health and safety will come into effect as it is. That saves me having to look up any real facts and figures. Ironically the same idea the Tory policy writers must have had.

I'm surprised it's taken so long for Cameron to come out with a policy straight from the pages of the Mail or the Express by quoting misconceptions and hearsay that the right wing media report as truth however I did not think it would be aimed at Health & Safety and the HSE using examples of "health and safety culture" which in no way relate to existing Health & Safety regulation.

It does not surprise me however that the reptilian PR man is standing up in the seat of Government and enthusing through stock phrases which all seem to end in "gone mad". It isn't health and safety 'gone mad' after all. It's the misrepresentation of legislation which is in place to protect the majority of people from injury. It serves its role well. Many may well cite Cameron's exaggerated cases as a precurser for change in the system but even the Daily Mail points out in the original article on the Bonkers Conkers (I know, right? I will accept your derision for that one) that this move had been condemned by H&S officials, with the HSE even going as far as to issue a poster showing children playing conkers. Of course I realise that this is just one of the cases cited by Chameleon Cameron (a description I'm determined to make stick with his ability to blend into anything the voter wants him to be), however it only takes one lie to make an entire point redundant.

Look at it from my perspective- enough people I meet already fail to understand what it is I do at university. "Oh, it's just health and safety isn't it? Anyone with a bit of common sense could do that." You might be saying that now and of course there is a lot of common sense involved which is obviously the driving force behind this Tory initiative. That being said though, I know this legislation intimately- it has been my willing partner on many a lonely night before exams and therefore I realise that the Chameleon's assertions have no basis in fact and the fact that my opinion is supported by both the HSE & the TUC should show you in no uncertain terms that the Tories and their illustrious leader are not above lying.

Sorry to burst that bubble.

The World of a Blind Date

2009-11-25T14:18:00.000-08:00

I sat down earlier and was delighted to see that the charmingly insane Jimmy Doherty's show "Jimmy's Food Factory" was up on iPlayer. The basic idea of the show is that an over-enthusiastic farmer (Doherty) is tasked with discovering just what it is that goes into our food. A simple enough premise and it is executed without ever taking the moral high-ground which is a pleasant change.

That was until episode six when he was attempting to artificially ripen bananas. Now I'm all for a bit of hyper-ripe, phallic fruit but the fact that the use of four crates constituted the need for a Blind Date reference really began to irritate me.

For those of you too young to remember, Blind Date was a show where men and women were flattered to the point of nausea by sixties anachronism Cilla Black- a woman whose teeth could easily function as a multiplex cinema complete with popcorn stand. From there the unsuspecting victims of a televised date-rape would be sent on a romantic weekend to somewhere away from their home- where they couldn't escape from the nefarious plans of Cilla and her droogs. They would then have to sit through an interview whereby the point was infinitely proved that dating based on a few slightly saucy questions would never work (if you've seen Mallrats, by the way, it's a similar format to the game show being filmed at the end).

Now Blind Date ended in 2003. That makes the reference used in Jimmy's Food Factory at least six years out of date. If we take into account the fact that the show was only really culturally relevant during the 90s' then there's even more need to want to backhand Jimmy into a cement mixer.

The Real Drug Problem

2009-11-16T13:31:00.000-08:00

Addictions come in many forms. While drugs and alcohol are seen as the most serious, life-threatening of these addictions there is a far more dangerous addiction. Procrastination. Once said to be the thief of time, procrastination prefers to creep up on you tear you away from the realms of productivity with promises of distraction. The vile addiction sends word like dawdle, dilly dally and hisses all-too-famous phrase "life's too short" into the addict's ears. It courses through your veins and stops any impulse to the brain that contains phrases like assignments, essays, reports, portfolios, cleaning, or indeed anything . I will now stand bravely in front of the support circle and proclaim loudly my addiction because; my name is Michael Park, and I am a procrastination addict.

Defined as; The act or habit of putting off to a future time procrastination is a phenomenon that no-one can deny exists. There will always be two groups of people in the world. Quiet, conscientious people who sit down and get on with the task at hand weeks in advance and make sure it is done to perfection with time to spare. Then of course, there are the procrastinators. The people who say tomorrow, then when tomorrow comes there is always another, longer tomorrow. The problem is that it quickly becomes a habit that you cannot break. Everything that comes along can, must be put off as long as possible. I honestly cant say whether it is a love of risk or even just laziness because I do try to sit down and get on with work and studying and always find myself distracted.

Of course, to be, or not to be. That is the question. Dont worry. I'm not quite contemplating suicide. Although if I were to attempt it I'd probably never get around to it anyway. If you are bored or depressed and you need an activity, talk to a known procrastinator. They will have absolutely no hesitation in finding you something to do. You see, we addicts can always, without fail, find something better to do. I have been known to actually clean instead of studying. Although the truly interesting thing about procrastination is that things you will do to avoid the given task are often ones that on any other day you would avoid. For example cleaning my room is a task I tend to avoid like the plague. Unless I happen to be considering the finer points of risk management, then my whole room suddenly becomes a gleaming haven, reminiscent of a well-kempt Victorian townhouse. Computers are procrastination's best friend. In this high-tech world where information can be accessed at the touch of a button, the procrastinator is never without distraction. I would think the only way to remove these electronic distractions would be to deactivate the internet, destroy all Instant Messenger programs that look so enticing flashing away in the corner of your eye and then cut my hands off because I guarantee I'd find a way to turn it back on. There is also another phenomenon that can take most of the blame for procrastination: Google. This is something that essentially puts every website under the sun at your fingertips.

This puts procrastination into the 21^st Century, allowing you to find any information that you could ever require with a few clicks of a mouse. Then there is the pub. That foul house of temptation and lechery is one of my favourite places on Earth, especially when there is work to be done. The phone call that comes through, "Michael, you fancy coming to the pub?" Bang. A massive crash of a gong and I'm sold. "I'll see you in 20 minutes".

"There's no time like the present," and "why put off till tomorrow what you could do today?" are two slogans which I cannot possibly avoid. Two phrases I have spent a very long time trying to escape. Two sayings that at first seem so reasonable it sends a chill down the spine of any procrastinator. Perhaps I dont see things quite the way others do but I can honestly deny the existence of the present provided I know I have time before a deadline to rush the work, I've never failed a coursework. Could this approach actually work?

I lack drive. The grit and sheer determination to push myself towards bigger and better things, is something I have lost. I need to work toward distracting myself with work and not the warm lure of a public house. So what am I to do? I have been told that the solution to my problem is a very simple one. I have to force myself to sit and stare at blank screens for hours on end until a subject, no matter how narrow, pops into my mind. I then have to maintain my focus until the task is complete. I'm sure there are several ways of doing this. An extreme one would be to sit in a completely dark, quiet room with a computer and nothing else. A lock on the outside of the door. No distractions anywhere. I dont think Id be able to cope.

A far better solution seems to be to find a subject that truly interests me, something I would be able to talk about for hours without a second thought. Perhaps this is what I've been missing all these years. Perhaps I am so set in the processes of ignoring work and putting it off until the very last second that I will always find that I thrive under the pressure of the deadline bearing down on me. I may never find the solution to my problem and always have to force myself to sit quietly staring at a half written piece wondering why I havent given up yet. One day I will cure my addiction and my life will improve. Until that happens though, I will remain a self-confessed procrastination addict.

The White Socks and Shiny Black Shoe Argument

2009-10-27T04:21:00.000-07:00

There's an obvious stench in this library, or should I say learning facilitation centre. It's putrid, yet stale. Sickly like saccharin or three million Greggs' yum-yums. It's hundreds of souls dying at the same time as they scream out in a unified din, signifying the passing of lives to the underworld. It's a sobbing widow at the grave side of a rotting giraffe.

Harrowing scenes but not an over-statement as indeed, in this world, there is no crime greater than wearing white socks and shiny black shoes. People are visibly recoiling as this man sits, plain as day flaunting this war-crime in the faces of passing traffic in the foyer of the library. I currently sit across from him, constantly being tripped over and generally ignored as people hurl themselves out of the way in order to avoid his vicinity. Like Swine Flu, this is very much contagious. As he reclines, oh so comfortably in his chair we, the people, are left to pick up the pieces of this fashion catastrophe. So much more than a faux pas, this is a public fashion autopsy.

Now, giant and hideously unfair hyperbole aside, seeing this guy and people actually laughing at him as they pass has got me to thinking about just exactly what constitutes fashion and why many of us are so obsessed with looking different that we forget just exactly how much we look like everyone else.

Glasgow Caledonian is fairly awful for it, in fact. So much of what I see before me today is almost identical to the last coat, the last scarf and the last pair of boots that I've seen. I'm not pretending to be some enlightened social commentator, merely a twat with no strong feelings but a love of a cheap dig: however I can see it around me. I've seen the same red duffel coat, in varying sizes, almost ten times now. I've been sitting here for half an hour.

This gent across from me, this dandy, this demolition man of the accepted trend is fast becoming my hero. Aside from the socks and the shoes, he's dressed very well. I'm tempted to ask where he bought his jacket- I won't, but I'm tempted. I bet the socks are deliberate. He looks different to 90% of the people in this building this morning. In a very real way, he stands out against a crowd adorned in H&M, Topshop/man, Primark and sportswear.

He speaks to me, not literally of course but the fact that people mock his choice of footwear shows me something. It shows me that we're all terrified of looking different to everyone else, of standing out against the crowd and leaving ourselves open for mockery and derision. That's why we see fashions as a safety net. We buy different shoes to each other, but only in colour. We buy different jackets, but with slightly different cuts. But no, this modern dandy has said "Enough. I don't care what you think of me. I will dress as I please and I will look good doing it." Well done, sir. I salute you. Not literally though, I'm in a library. I'll look ridiculous.

Music: The Killers - Accused.

2009-10-23T11:34:00.000-07:00

Judge, Jury & Executioner - Michael Park

Remember Hot Fuss? It was The Killers very first album and came out at a time when the need for synth-based pop was at a peak. Bands like The Bravery suddenly found themselves with major record deals as companies scrambled to keep up with the rise of these boys from Las Vegas (I can't prove that. It's an observation).

I really liked Hot Fuss. I thought it was quite fresh. I was 15 at the time and it was nice introduction to a world of better music that I now find myself languishing in at the age of 21. It's not for me to slag The Killers really. What they've done they've done well, I'd hardly call it innovation but fair enough.

What I do want to talk to you about, on a day when I've done two blogs, is the input that they appear to have into remixes. I've not listened to many Killers remixes. Since Hot Fuss I think Brandon Flower's meteoric rise into something resembling a cross between Bruce Springsteen and Sean Bean in Sharpe has really put me off them.

Readers of my blog will no doubt know that I'm a big fan of Steve Aoki and Italian electro-housters (if that's an acceptable term) The Bloody Beetroots who regularly bring you songs like these:

The Bloody Beetroots - Cornelius
The Bloody Beetroots & Steve Aoki - Warp 1.9
N.A.S.A. - Gifted (Steve Aoki Remix)
If you don't listen to any of the rest; this will serve to prove my point:
Timbaland - Throw It On Me (ft. The Hives) (Bloody Beetroots Remix)

I'd urge you to listen to these if you're not familiar with their material. Otherwise this might leave you at a bit of a loss.

I noticed on Youtube today that Steve & BB have done a remix of The Killers' hit 'Spaceman'. "Fair enough," I thought. I clicked the link. I listened... and now you will too.

The Killers - Spaceman (Bloody Beetroots & Steve Aoki Remix)

If you've listened to the songs I posted links to before you'll notice something missing. Remixes by The Bloody Beetroots, like remixes by Justice have markers on them. Grinding synths, strange sound effects which make songs sound like they've been passed through a blender. On pulse.

This is lacking in The Killers remix. In fact one comment on Youtube points out that Flowers' voice is almost clearer in the remixed version of the song. Not something that the Bloody Beetroots are known for doing. I thought to myself that they were maybe trying a different direction that didn't quite work but OH NO.

Dutch trance king(?) Tiësto also did a remix of the track.

The Killers - Spaceman (Tiësto Remix)

Once again the self-indulgent lyrics of Flowers' are more prominent than the song. Is it just me or is a remix not designed for the dancefloor? Especially a 7 minute long epic by Tiësto. He even made the Pirates of the Caribbean soundtrack sound like it was an epic trance odyssey.

Without moving away from it too much, I just want to point out that I fear that The Killers' record company/The Killers' themselves had too much of a hand in the creation of these remixes. I'm aware they must pay well ('cause I doubt their only friends are themselves) but I honestly think respected artists like The Bloody Beetroots, Steve Aoki & Tiësto should just tell them to fuck off, release some shit concept album as "Le Killè", split up, move to an island and swim around in money until the world is once again ready for meddling, self-obsessed idiots who want to fuck with a creative process.

Of course, I could be wrong.

The Whiskers Of Our Discontent.

2009-09-03T13:05:00.000-07:00

[This Post is from 23rd October 2009]

This is the blog I'm not going to write about Nick Griffin's appearance on Question Time last night. Why am I not writing a blog about him? Well, there's a number of reasons that I'm not but the first is that I find him more disturbing than a gas-mask wearing, six-foot tall wasp trying to sell me double glazing.

Not that that's ever happened, of course.

It just so happens that I've written three beginnings for different blogs in an attempt to come up with something that would amuse the thronging masses of people who are just itching to find out what kind of trivial nonsense I've been up to. They were all god-awful, I assure you of that. I even put it out on Twitter that I needed something to blog about. I got a mixed bag to say the least.

I was asked to plug a website (sign-up code 'SU18') (there you go, Helen- don't say I'm not good to you), told I should talk about how I have nothing to talk about and also, potentially my favourite I was sent an image from Perez Hilton's blog which you can see here.

Now forgive my sins but I have no interest in anything Perez Hilton has to say about the world we live in so I decided I'd avoid actually following up the blog post. However, I would love to bring the facial hair debate to the fore (there's too many "real" issues for it to get into the Commons).

For years facial hair has been seen as a massive symbol of extrovert masculinity. A calling card that says "Yes, I'm virile." and the idea of a man with poor facial hair suggests that he would be unable to please himself, let alone his chosen partner.

I have to say, I kind of understand this notion. Although, I have to question the logic of a person who would grow half a beard. If I was doing it myself I'd cut my hair on one side as well in order to allow me to be a completely more respectable, erudite and sensible person on one side: like Two Face from Batman but less mental and more like this (oh, shit. No... THIS) It would definitely help when going for job interviews as long as it's possible to face only one way and not terrify your interviewer with your insane "crab-walk".

I suppose if you were going for a job as a mountain man you'd be better off having a full beard and looking like you're an angry, bellowing furball with no concept of civilisation. Not sure entirely how the interview process for that would go. I'm quite sure there would be some form of management hierarchy in the mountain man business. No sense in having more than one mountain man per mountain. It's all about efficiency these days. There's a recession, don't you know.

Anyway, I digress to the point where I had to scroll back through the post to check what my original point was.

I honestly believe that the ability to grow an exceptional beard is definitely an impressive thing. My good friend and colleague at Radio Caley, Mr Scott McCubbin has recently premiered his new and unbelievably fast-growing goatee which I have a sneaking suspicion is hiding some sort of angry alien growth which is hellbent on world domination. This led me to trial a little facial hair growth of my own. Let me tell you, I think questions have to be asked about my masculinity.

Something you have to understand about me, and can probably see from my display picture is that I have really thick hair which grows exceptionally quickly. I'm sure there's some sort of biological reason for why this wouldn't apply to my face but I can assure you that after a week and looking like a well-used bit of astro-turf, I decided to shave. Not least because it was beginning to go ginger.

I realise that this post has no general use except to be a strange stream of consciousness regarding my own perceived inadequacies and I'm quite sure if I was a more insightful human being I'd be able to apply the idea of the growth of facial hair to a more sociological need for men to feel masculine and to give them the genuine feeling that they could take down a tiger armed with a stick and a pineapple. However, we realise that this is about as close to that feeling as most will get and the closest any of us will get to that is throwing rotten fruit at the morally reprehensible scum of the BNP (see what I completely failed to do there?).

So, facial hair is the ultimate status symbol of overt masculinity in a society which is completely obsessed with appearances. I still feel quite masculine despite not being gloriously bearded. Even then, I'm delighted to say that I don't look anything like this prick.

I win Gibson, you twat.

2009-08-02T11:01:00.000-07:00

Usually, as I'm sure you've noticed, my attempts at blogging are abortive at best. I can never really articulate an argument in quite the manner I feel you all deserve. However, with that in mind I'm going to throw out a little blog about something very close to my heart. Music.

Why am I in a position to blog about music? Well, I'm on the radio- innit? (Yes, it is 1998 thank you very much) Our show, Transmission: Omega prides itself on bringing the best electro and the finest synth driven tracks from the 80s right into your PC then out your speakers. Sometimes though, Scott and I appreciate that we don't really make our point very well. Regular listeners will definitely know who we don't like (Lady Gaga, Madonna, Bono et al have all suffered at our mis-informed hands) but the artists that we do like are largely just left to have their music do the talking.

Firstly I'd like to mention a band who were our "Artist of the Month(s)" for April and May 2009- Metronomy. I know they're currently busy beavers touring all around the country, playing festivals (I believe they're playing Underage Festival today) and basically all I want to say is that I'm glad they're getting the recognition they deserve. Not only this their drummer, Miss Anna Prior, uses Twitter and is a proper wit. Click her name and follow her. Or else.

Secondly and the real purpose of this blog is to provide you with a review of The Bloody Beetroots first LP offering "Romborama" which is available to buy on August 21st on Dim Mak. This Italian duo were formed in 2006 and have provided EA Sports with a number of tracks for their games as well as offering myself and a number of my friends hours of endless hours of enjoyment with their remix of the theme tune to Speed Racer.

Before you read on, here's a link to the video for their most well known track "Cornelius". It all gets quite debauched really. Exactly what I'd desire and expect from them. Also- yes. They always perform wearing Venom masks.

There are a number of obvious comparisons which you can draw on this record to Justice's "Cross" especially on "Storm" where there is a riff which is almost a direct layover of "Phantom Pt. II". This isn't a bad thing by any stretch of the imagination. Essentially what I'm saying is that if you like Justice or the Toxic Avenger you're going to love Bloody Beetroots.

Okay, so I've mentioned Cornelius and Storm (a fantastic track, by the way) but now it's time to talk about the first single which is currently blaring around my flat at the minute. "Awesome" features the vocal talents of (gawblessem) The Cool Kids and, while it's not a long track it gives you something to dance to while you wait patiently for the monotonous opening bar of "Cornelius" to turn into the giant behemoth of a song that it eventually becomes. It whets one's appetite, if you will.

Being an album with 20 tracks, there are a fair few that completely slip under the radar but there are highlights within this. Their collaboration with Lisa Kekaula of the Bellrays on "Talkin' in my Sleep" which not only references James Brown's "Get up" but also harks back to the days of anthemic dance music with powerful female vocalists.

Beta Bow jumps in on "Second Streets Have No Name" to provide vocals which conjour up images of HelloGoodbye in the worst possible way, which is unfortunate but it's interesting to see the Beetroots pushing in a different direction with a vaguely orchestral tinge to their usual punchy keys. Just a warning though, the processed, synthesised voice of this guy is enough to put you off after about a minute.

However all is not lost (This is turning into a bit of a running commentary, I know)! The subsequent track "Butter" featured on FIFA 09 and admirably managed to save a rather paltry soundtrack offering from the usually very astute people at EA Sports.

There are two tracks on the album entitled "Warp" (1.9 & 7.7) which are both equally fantastic and feature Steve Aoki, founder of Dim Mak records. Other notable collaborations include J*Davey, King Voodoo and a thoroughly odd creation with Vicarious Bliss which features a French kid singing Jingle Bells. Don't really know what that's all about but there you go.

A quick recap, personal highlights on the album are "Storm", "Awesome", "Warp 1.9", "Warp 7.7", "House No. 84" and "Come La" with Marracash.

Romborama isn't their masterpiece by any stretch and I invisage a lot more to come from the Bloody Beetroots but if you're looking for an album to put you in the mood for a night out then look no further than this. It has that little bit of everything that you want from an electro album and ends with a reprise of the tune to "Awesome" with a different rapper (Marracash). Your move, Lady Gaga.

The Bloody Beetroots - Romborama is out August 21st on Vinyl, CD & iTunes.

Michael vs. XTREME Products

2009-06-13T09:41:00.000-07:00

Okay. So let's talk about my intentions ~~towards your daughter~~ with this blog. We should probably make a few things clear from the outset. I think I'm pretty amusing. I can't help it; it's how I am. Also, I'm planning on using this blog to bring you my thoughts, feelings, musings, pretentious opinions on everything. Football, music, film, TV, the weather, the attitude that I currently have towards different types of peppers.

I'm not going to write some huge blog entry. There's no point in tapping out a dissertation, after all.

I'm still a bit shaken from this afternoon (yeah, I slept in) after going for a shower, getting dry & putting on my Right Guard XTREME Dry anti-perspirant, I went to get a drink. Pepsi MAX was on offer in the supermarket. I still don't understand why people are susceptible to advertising that claims things are extreme. What exactly makes it so extreme? Does it contain a risky ingredient? Something volatile that might explode if you don't use it properly? Is Pepsi laced with plutonium (fingers crossed that'll be a google result & I'll start some rumour that'll bankrupt the company)? Does Cillit Bang actually explode on contact with skin? I'll tell you something, this doesn't make any difference.

It leads me to wonder if I'm using XTREME anti-perspirant & drinking Pepsi Max in order to quell my subconscious desire to sky-dive & throw myself- unprotected- off a cliff into shark infested water. If so, I think I should probably continue using these products in case I do myself a horrific injury.